Previous: You've Got Zail (Ziz Mail)
We are further driven to doubt the severity of Anna's purported months-long freeze response by what happens next: that is to say, by the long, looong email which she quickly writes back to Ziz.
While ofc acknowledging that trauma is diff. for everyone, we feel obligated to mention that, from our own unfortunately extensive experience w/ the freeze response, freeze does not usually lend itself to loooong or prompt replies, esp. not to the source of our mortal terror.
In *her* email, Anna opens by offering to continue their convo in person, mediated by one Brent Dill- her go-to for delicate matters of the heart... annnnd (we learn from Gwen) a known rapist of those referred to him (by Anna) for such "emotional support".
CFAR, we joylessly report, took Brent's side* in response to the rape allegations, &, in Gwen's words, "ceaselessly praised" him; while Anna, for her pt., kept those Brent referrals flowing!
*CFAR's response to the crimes of Brent reads in part:
We believe that Brent is fundamentally oriented towards helping people grow to be the best versions of themselves. In this way he is aligned with CFAR's goals and strategy and should be seen as an ally.
***
Anna admits to perhaps ruffling Ziz's feathers by saying "some things about [her] at a staff meeting that had an accidental vibe [she] was not going for".
This is presumably referring to the staff meeting where Anna recommended Ziz be banned from the training-for-demon-AIs summercamp, on grounds that Ziz wears black, appreciates the Sith, & has purportedly "dangerous plans" which we have yet to pin down.
Well, accidents happen!
Anyway, Anna says, she *had* meant to talk w/ Ziz abt this, buuut decided to drive away early & wordlessly instead. We've all been there!
Next, Anna says a nice thing:
I do want to talk about whether there is some way to establish conditions under which we won't both have to walk on eggshells all the time. I imagine you'd like that too.
Isn't that thoughtful! We'd say "walking on eggshells" is exactly how Ziz is feeling w/in the killer clown circus of the Rationalists. & as we saw in pt. 7, Anna's meek & mild behavior towards Ziz smacks of eggshell-walking as well- to say nothing of how timidly she suggested Ziz be banned from that demon AI training (ZBBFTDAT)!
Speaking of ZBBFTDAT, we love how Anna is continuing to keep that issue- namely, her sneaky & discriminatory leveraging of power- front & center!
"For what it's worth", Anna says she does respect Ziz, & she does believe Ziz has "basically good intentions"; which is why, she notes, she isn't more fazed to be receiving Ziz’s email!
This is ofc, como se dice, diametrically opposed to the reaction Anna will later *claim* to her many allies she suffered- to the reaction which is, nowadays, cited ad nauseam by the press as proof that Mz. Ziz is mad, bad, & dangerous to know.
Next comes a v. long swoop-de-whoop, which left us scratching our heads for a *while*:
...The q. for Anna seems to be:
How much *does* she have to think abt the harm* she has caused Ziz?
* Note that for her this is a single event, & only perpetuated against Ziz- not against trans Rationalists writ large.
Rn, she is thinking abt it too much; it is "interrupting" her busy CFAR life.
If Anna decides Ziz is right- that Anna has caused harm- then Anna will think abt it.
If Anna decides Ziz is *wrong*, & that Anna is blameless- she may still indulge Ziz, & ponder how such a misunderstanding took place… IF Ziz promises never to complain abt anything ever again.
If, however, Anna decides Ziz is wrong, & if Ziz continues her complaining ways, then Anna will think neither abt *this*, nor abt any other future grievances Ziz may bring.
Anna finishes: "Lmk what you think!!!"— oh, & she gives Ziz her phone # & says to text her abt having a follow-up convo.
Which is exactly what *we* do to ppl we live in mortal fear of!
***
Sooo, Ziz arrives for the follow-up convo w/ Gwen in tow as mediator.
Anna opens by reiterating that she *will* listen to Ziz, but not if it gets "repetitive".
She asks Ziz: "Weren't you threatening me w/ that email?"
No, says Ziz, a threat would have tried to change your actions.
(Privately, she thinks: this was not a threat; it was a declaration OF WAR.)
They wrangle over whether Anna is trying to exclude Ziz, & Anna brings up- once again- Ziz's "entitled" air at the conference.
Ziz says: Define entitled.
Anna is silent.
Some guy Anna's brought along chimes in: "a person is entitled if someone says no, & they demand 'WHY?!'"
Anna says that's a good definition.
Ziz says, What's the chance I woulda said WHY?! if you'd said no?
Anna says, 25%. But back then, I thought it was 75%.
Ziz looks at Anna like, wtf?
Alas, in hindsight Ziz, thinks she has a better definition for what Anna means by "entitled": UPPITY.
It was uppity to approach Anna w/ innovative "mental tech", uppity to tell Anna that she was inflicting painful gender dynamics, uppity to explain to Anna the social power she wields, & ofc uppity to besmirch Anna's absurd "gender" test.
It is w/ heavy hearts that we find ourselves in agreement w/ the Zizster.
***
Alas encore: next Anna "randomly" says,“I don't know you *wouldn't* use physical violence.”
...to which Ziz responds w/ a thousand-yard stare (TYS), bc she has, in fact, been working feverishly to *avoid* ppl seeing her as "that kind of trans woman": in other words, to get ppl to *see her*, instead of seeing merely that damned "dangerous" SOTTWV*.
Poor Ziz reflects:
This, going out of my way to... prevent even the possible prediction of me being violent from influencing things at all… wasn't really working out for me because people like Anna would cynically exploit it.
Ziz is "desperately searching, how can I reassure her?" But this conundrum makes her feel like she's on a "treadmill". Ziz thinks abt how "very hard" she is already trying, & how she'd "thought that [would be] visible enough.”
She will later say in hindsight:
Their thing had to be part of a strategy. Whoever was not part of the default coalition of violence, to be treated as dangerous, regardless of [their] intentions, deontology, stance...
For the time being, Ziz remains silent.
***
Anna, to her credit, notices Ziz's TYS. She quickly backtracks: “No sorry. I do know that.” ...that Ziz would not use physical violence- as, let's remember, a means of pitching to Anna her & Gwen's innovative "mental tech".
Over and over again, [Anna] just [keeps] denying things, thinks Ziz. But she "hesitantly" says that she believes her- to which Anna replies: “Did I do anything wrong? Can we just go back to the way things were?”
Ziz hesitates.
"A [small]... corner" of her mind is "stubbornly insisting that Anna [is] the devil" ("whatever you think's supposed to happen... the exact... opposite of that is gonna happen"). Something in this convo has gone "horribly wrong"; it's all become "fake and pwned". But Ziz can't put her finger on why.
"You mean [go back to] where I have a falsely high opinion of you, and you..." (Ziz stops for several long seconds, unable to find words for exactly *what* Anna has pulled here) “-talk a bunch of shit about me?"
"Helplessly", Ziz recognizes the inadequacy of that description.
She chokes out: "No, let's not do that again."
& w/ that, the convo est fini.
*****
Next: A Callout & More Clowns